Winston Churchill said, then… keep going.

So what’s hell? For someone I know hell is not feeling the warmth of love because the beloved is too far away and nothing can kill that pain.
For some other person hell could be allot of doubt, hopelessness, imagined or real problems, disbelief, grief or a great loss.

I know hell is pretty much everything I have, when something goes wrong and I feel like a fugitive in my own world. Hell could be when I’d rather run from myself because my own thoughts hurt so badly.

For the past few years I experienced hell in a more peaceful way. For example, you know, when you feel like you don’t wanna see anybody because if you do anything will irritate you so much, you might just start a fight out of nothing and not end it unless you go to sleep – well tat doesn’t happen to me anymore.

So my hell is quite poetic right now. Pain crawling up on me, entering every pore, penetrating every fiber of my being.

I guess what would best describe my hell would be Katie Melua’s song – It’s only pain.

And why do I go through hell right now?
Because we both know we can’t go through it together. Because it won’t happen and we know it.

IT is a placeholder for whatever you choose.

Yes, it hurts to lose you. I wouldn’t have ever had you either, but knowing I already lost you is quite terrible. It makes me think what am I worth if I can’t be meaningful enough to have you in any way at all. Of course, there is this bias – that I should have you; that I should make you mine some way or another. Actually, it’s all about a stronger relationship. When there is a stronger connection between things, both parts own each other, in the sense that whatever one part does is due to the action of the other part.

So why does it hurt that I don’t have you?
why does it hurt I don’t influence you in any way? Why does it hurt I don’t have a closer relationship with you? Why this exclusive pain?
Of course when we become fascinated by something, we’d like to make that thing our own and somehow acclaim it as part of what we have done or part of what we can do. It should be the same: if I look up to you, if I admire and care about you in a special way, I’d definitely love to say… you know… he did it because of me; he is like that because of something I do or say.
Now that’s fascinating (because you already are) and flattering at the same time.

Isn’t this the reasoning behind any crush?
I mean, you’re sure there will be no special relationship with that person, but the fascination and desire is still there.

So it hurts you won’t have the honor and delight to influence the person that fascinates you so dearly.

That’s all.